In the immortal words of the late, great Joan Rivers: “Can we talk?!” Let’s address the huge elephant that waltzes in the room each October… perhaps a pink elephant, depending on the event, but an elephant just the same. Let’s talk about those costumes. Those easy-breezy-look-how-sleazy ladies’ Halloween costumes hawked in party stores and on websites from here to Transylvania. Sweet unholy hoochie mama parade, WHY are these things everywhere? There must be a market for these types of costumes since more and more crank out every season. In fact, it’s difficult to find non-skimpy options. These delightfully flammable poly-rayon-acetate confections dangle from drugstore shelves and discount center displays, vacuum-sealed in a baggy that fits a 6th grader’s Trapper Keeper®. Right out in the open. Not in a brown wrapper. Available for girls of ALL ages — you know, just in case the Playboy mansion launches an after-school program.

The Party City Wall of Shame: Costume shopping has become a PG-13 horror flick with partial nudity and adult situations.

The Party City Wall of Shame: Costume shopping has become a PG-13 horror flick with partial nudity and adult situations.

Let’s take a look at a few choice gems from this year’s offerings:

Cartoon Cat-Calls

Sorry, but I have no way to comprehend transforming children’s animated characters into racy adult costumes. I cannot help you process this phenomenon. There’s a line … a sweet crayon or sidewalk chalk line … and crossing it is a one-way ticket to Creepy Town. Even the most tame examples I found are enough to make the Muppets cry. WARNING: you can’t unsee this:

Sooo, somebody watched those cute little minions squeaking about and detected enough sex appeak to warrant this creation. Apparently, Nemo was found serving daquiris in a hotel lounge off the interstate. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Sooo, somebody watched those cute little minions squeaking about and detected enough sex appeal to warrant this creation. Apparently, Nemo was found serving daquiris in a hotel lounge off the interstate. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Those crazy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles certainly came outta their shells. (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Those crazy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles certainly came outta their shells, amIright? (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Monsters, Inc. meets techno-rave party? Sully & Mike have never looked more frightening. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Monsters, Inc. meets techno-rave party? Sully & Mike have never looked, ummmm, sexier?! (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Fantasy Faux Pas

Ghouls and goblins rule the night, but there’s no reason blood and guts shouldn’t project a seductive splatter, don’t you think? Turn yourself into a Horror Hottie or a true Mischief Madame! There’s so much more fun to be had when you let it all hang out.

During the zombie apocalypse, the mangled corpses may be cold but these gory girls wanna be smoking hot. (Image credit: Spirit Halloween and Yandy.com)

During the zombie apocalypse, the mangled corpses may be cold but these gory girls will be smoking hot. (Image credit: Spirit Halloween and Yandy.com)

No FrightNight could be complete without gypsies, tramps, and thieves. (Image credit: Party City)

No fright night is complete without gypsies, tramps and thieves. (Image credit: Party City)

When the women of Jersey Shore get trapped inside a slasher movie ... (Image credit: Walmart.com)

When the women of Jersey Shore get trapped inside a slasher movie … It’s thriller time! (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Skanky Service

What did you want to be when you grew up? Proof that it’s never too late, you can live out your professional dreams this Halloween in one of these career costumes. Make sure you follow Sheryl Sandberg‘s advice and “lean in!”

I'll take my sexism with a splash of cultural insensitivity... and no MSG. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

I’ll take my sexism with a splash of cultural insensitivity… and no MSG. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Be all that you can be, Ladies -- a sailor, a soldier, a stewardess, a cab drive, or even a NASA scientist! (Image credit: Spirit Halloween)

Be all that you can be, ladies — a sailor, a soldier, a stewardess, a cab driver or even a NASA scientist! (Image credit: Spirit Halloween)

Saunter forth to that school party wearing spandex and pleather! You'll be the hit of the PTA as either Retro Army Girl or The Ringmaster. (Image credit: Target.com)

Saunter forth to that school party wearing spandex and pleather! You’ll be the hit of the PTA as either Retro Army Girl or The Ringmaster. (Image credit: Target.com)

Start ‘Em Young

Oh yes! PLEASE provide festive attire for tween and teen girls. We encourage them to embrace objectification by puberty if not sooner! Glass Slipper, Glass Ceiling, Who cares?!!

These sweet girls will be ready for both Halloween AND Career Day in Walmart teen costumes named "Locked & Loaded" and "Racy Referree". For reals. (Image credit: Walmart.com)

These sweet girls will be ready for both Halloween AND career day in Walmart teen costumes named “Locked & Loaded” and “Racy Referee.” No, we’re not kidding! (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Aren't they precious? Walmart calls these little numbers the "Sexy Nerd" and "Sassy Scholar". Perfect outfits for the SATs. (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Aren’t they precious? Walmart calls these little numbers the “Sexy Nerd” and “Sassy Scholar.” College admissions season is just around the corner … (Image credit: Walmart.com)

Gloria Steinem Called … You Owe Her A Bra

Feminism schmeminism. When Halloween parties roll around, forget those pesky antiquated notions about equality. A guy need not be uncomfortable in his costume, but should expect his date to be an attention-getting accessory. ‘Tis the season when E.R.A. stands for “Eve’s Really Raunchy, Right Adam?”

Minnie gets a bit too mini, and Mickey looks like that's exactly what he wants to slip her. Cinderella's ready to give away more than her shoe, and Hermione's flashing Her-Hione! (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Minnie gets a bit too mini, and Mickey looks like that’s exactly what he wants to slip her. Cinderella’s ready to give away more than her shoe. And Hermione’s flashing her heiney! (Image credit: Yandy.com)

To serve and protect... and embarrass. (Image credit: Party City, Yandy.com)

To serve and protect … and embarrass. (Image credit: Party City, Yandy.com)

Even in 2014, there's still room for classic costumes, such as the lascivious dudes in scrubs and overalls, and the hot babes in lingerie uniforms. (Image credit: Yandy.com and Party City)

Even in 2014, there’s still room for classic costumes, such as the lascivious dudes in scrubs and overalls, and the hot babes in lingerie uniforms. (Image credit: Yandy.com and Party City)

Something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Yes, I am afraid of this. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

There’s something strange in the neighborhood. Who ya’ gonna call? (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Lewd & crude fast food, getting blue at the drive-thru. You are what you eat, folks. (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Lewd, crude fast food: you are what you eat, folks! (Image credit: Yandy.com)

Seriously, even Subway? Where’s Jared in a Chippendale’s get-up?

Look, I’m no prude. I donned some pretty interesting attire during those college days of fraternity theme parties — and I regularly thank my lucky stars no smartphones or social media existed during that phase of my life. So, I’m hardly climbing up on a sanctimonious soapbox to spew hypocritical condemnation. I’m legitimately curious to know when this caliber of costume became “the thing.” When did Halloween turn into an intergenerational peep show? How did a night of Hershey’s® Miniatures and Smarties® devolve into a pandering parade? That line between tricks and treats has become a little too fuzzy. Unless Hef’s on speed dial, reassess that mess and put some big girl pants on. Let’s keep the candy in the plastic pumpkin, shall we?

Keep it classy, friends! (Image credit: Facebook; Me in my Mother-Of-The-Year Halloween Costume.)

Keep it classy, friends! (Image credit: Facebook.com; Me in my “Mother-Of-The-Year” Halloween Costume.)