In the immortal words of the late, great Joan Rivers: “Can we talk?!” Let’s address the huge elephant that waltzes in the room each October… perhaps a pink elephant, depending on the event, but an elephant just the same. Let’s talk about those costumes. Those easy-breezy-look-how-sleazy ladies’ Halloween costumes hawked in party stores and on websites from here to Transylvania. Sweet unholy hoochie mama parade, WHY are these things everywhere? There must be a market for these types of costumes since more and more crank out every season. In fact, it’s difficult to find non-skimpy options. These delightfully flammable poly-rayon-acetate confections dangle from drugstore shelves and discount center displays, vacuum-sealed in a baggy that fits a 6th grader’s Trapper Keeper®. Right out in the open. Not in a brown wrapper. Available for girls of ALL ages — you know, just in case the Playboy mansion launches an after-school program.
Let’s take a look at a few choice gems from this year’s offerings:
Cartoon Cat-Calls
Sorry, but I have no way to comprehend transforming children’s animated characters into racy adult costumes. I cannot help you process this phenomenon. There’s a line … a sweet crayon or sidewalk chalk line … and crossing it is a one-way ticket to Creepy Town. Even the most tame examples I found are enough to make the Muppets cry. WARNING: you can’t unsee this:
Fantasy Faux Pas
Ghouls and goblins rule the night, but there’s no reason blood and guts shouldn’t project a seductive splatter, don’t you think? Turn yourself into a Horror Hottie or a true Mischief Madame! There’s so much more fun to be had when you let it all hang out.
Skanky Service
What did you want to be when you grew up? Proof that it’s never too late, you can live out your professional dreams this Halloween in one of these career costumes. Make sure you follow Sheryl Sandberg‘s advice and “lean in!”
Start ‘Em Young
Oh yes! PLEASE provide festive attire for tween and teen girls. We encourage them to embrace objectification by puberty if not sooner! Glass Slipper, Glass Ceiling, Who cares?!!
Gloria Steinem Called … You Owe Her A Bra
Feminism schmeminism. When Halloween parties roll around, forget those pesky antiquated notions about equality. A guy need not be uncomfortable in his costume, but should expect his date to be an attention-getting accessory. ‘Tis the season when E.R.A. stands for “Eve’s Really Raunchy, Right Adam?”
Seriously, even Subway? Where’s Jared in a Chippendale’s get-up?
Look, I’m no prude. I donned some pretty interesting attire during those college days of fraternity theme parties — and I regularly thank my lucky stars no smartphones or social media existed during that phase of my life. So, I’m hardly climbing up on a sanctimonious soapbox to spew hypocritical condemnation. I’m legitimately curious to know when this caliber of costume became “the thing.” When did Halloween turn into an intergenerational peep show? How did a night of Hershey’s® Miniatures and Smarties® devolve into a pandering parade? That line between tricks and treats has become a little too fuzzy. Unless Hef’s on speed dial, reassess that mess and put some big girl pants on. Let’s keep the candy in the plastic pumpkin, shall we?
