Today’s article comes to us from Betsy Pake, a certified master coach, speaker, and writer focused on helping women expand their potential.
**********
For many women, the decision to stay or leave a relationship feels overwhelming, like standing at a crossroads without a map. We weigh the pros and cons, replay conversations in our minds, and look outside ourselves for answers. But what if the path forward isn’t about external validation? What if it’s about shifting how we see ourselves?
After years of working with women who feel stuck in their marriages, I’ve found real clarity doesn’t come from trying to control or change a partner. It comes from within. The following five action items, which I call “the five shifts,” can help you make empowered decisions — whether that means deepening your relationship or choosing to move on.
These steps apply to more than just romantic relationships, by the way. Consider how you might apply this approach to friendships and working relationships, too.
Take accountability.
Here’s the truth: We can’t change anyone but ourselves. If we wait for a partner to “get it” or suddenly show up differently, we’ll stay stuck in frustration. Real change begins when we take full accountability for our thoughts, patterns, and reactions.
That doesn’t mean taking the blame for every issue in the relationship. Instead, it’s about recognizing that our power lies in how we think, respond, and evolve. Change starts in the mind — specifically, in the unconscious mind. When we shift how we think to a deeper level, we open the door to creating new experiences in our relationships and lives.
Stop ignoring your subconscious system.
Most of us assume we’re making decisions with logic, but in reality, our subconscious mind is running the show. The way we see the world — our beliefs, values, judgments, and even emotional triggers — comes from deep-seated subconscious patterns.
If we don’t acknowledge this, we stay stuck in old cycles. We tell ourselves, I should leave. I should stay. I don’t know what to do, but nothing actually changes. Instead of just thinking through the pros and cons, we need to learn how to work with the subconscious mind, rewrite old beliefs, and create new patterns that align with the life we want.
Practice “neuro integration.”
Here’s where things get exciting. “Neuro integration” is the practice of integrating our behavior and reactions, our identities, and our brains — it’s the key to lasting transformation.
As humans, we try to make changes all the time, only to find out our efforts aren’t sustainable. That’s because we haven’t made changes deep in our brains, so our identities and unconscious programming still default to the familiar. In this case, the brain is actually doing its job to keep us safe, because it believes that staying the same is the safest option. But we know with change comes growth, clarity, and empowerment.
Neuro integration combines three critical elements:
- Conscious reframing — This requires us to look deeper at how we see the world and our relationships so we can shift the way we think about our situation.
- Unconscious repatterning — This practice calls us to notice our deeply-held beliefs, the meaning we apply to our interactions, and our automatic responses to rewire our brains through various therapeutic tools and techniques.
- Nervous system regulation — We must learn to notice if our nervous system becomes dysregulated when we make big decisions or experience conflict. (We’re “dysregulated” when we default to fight-or-flight responses.) Then, we can practice ways to calm our nervous system using breathing practices, gentle physical activity, and even medication. Calming the nervous system allows us to be open to having a different response than we normally would.
Neuro integration helps us recognize a pattern, and once that happens, you can’t unsee it. What was once an unconscious reaction becomes a conscious choice, and you’re no longer running on autopilot, but intentionally shaping your life.
Instead of just trying to act differently, you become the kind of person who naturally shows up in a new way. Instead of saying, “I want a more respectful partner,” you embody the person you want to be. The shift becomes: “I am the kind of person who has a partner who fully respects me and rises to my standards.”
Instead of focusing only on problems, you shift into empowerment, confidence, and the ability to make bold decisions from a place of clarity, not fear.
Work with a mentor.
Everyone should have a mentor they trust. Why? Because mentorship provides two crucial things:
- Accountability – Without accountability, we tend to slip back into old patterns. A mentor helps ensure we stay committed to the changes we say we want to make.
- New Perspectives – When we’re in the middle of a relationship struggle, it’s hard to see beyond it. A mentor introduces new ways of thinking, helping us shift our perspective and see possibilities we may not have considered.
Follow a proven path.
When we feel stuck, we often isolate ourselves within the problem. We overthink, spiral, and convince ourselves no one else understands. But the truth is, others have walked this path before — and we don’t have to navigate it alone.
Finding a structured path (whether it’s a methodology, a community, or a coach) saves time and emotional energy. It gives us the support we need to stop the loop of uncertainty and start moving forward.
Summarizing the ‘Five Shifts’
These five shifts are about more than just navigating relationships. They’re about personal power. When we take accountability, work with our subconscious mind, integrate new ways of thinking, find support, and embrace mentorship, we create a life that feels right, whether that means staying, leaving, or redefining a situation entirely.
To take a deeper dive into the “five shifts” approach, check out Betsy’s FREE masterclass!
**********
For your best “me moment” of the day, subscribe to StyleBlueprint’s daily emails.
