Let’s Get Radical: Look People in the Eye and Smile

Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile. It shouldn’t be radical, but it’s becoming so.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about something I started noticing, specifically in 2018. We hired two people within a few months of each other. Both super polished women. They dressed cute, they were athletic, and they had a large community of friends. They were confident and hard-working.

Surprisingly, neither of them could look you in the eye when they spoke to you. Perhaps for a second you got their eyes, but then they looked down, more confident speaking when their eyes were focused on where an iPhone might be.

It was unsettling.

Then I started noticing that younger people, the younger edge of Millennials and the older section of Gen Zers (Zillennials), often shared this trait.

This trait is now infiltrating more generations, and we’re walking around as bubbles in our own world, rarely acknowledging one another.

We walk past each other in hallways, stand next to each other in elevators, sit across from each other in coffee shops, and we’re all staring at our phones. Heads down. Eyes glazed. Completely disconnected from the humans right in front of us.

I recently watched a video with David Brooks, a New York Times columnist, talking about something he calls “the gaze,” which is that first moment when you meet someone’s eyes and they’re unconsciously asking themselves, Am I a person to you? Am I a priority to you? Am I going to be nice to this person? Brooks argues in his book, How to Know a Person, that those questions are answered with your eyes, not your words.

And he’s onto something.

Now, let me be honest: I’m not Brooks’s biggest fan. Another of his books, The Second Mountain, may have resonated with some people, but I found it to be one of the most self-centered books I’ve read — selfishness wrapped up in modern-day, self-gratifying language to make it all sound noble.

Here’s a guy who left his wife of 27 years and three children for his much younger research assistant, then positioned himself as a moral authority on commitment and deeper relationships. His first wife did the actual work of those 27 years, but she doesn’t get to write the book about moral transformation, does she? Okay, rant over.

But here’s the thing: even a stopped clock is right twice a day. And Brooks is right about this. He’s right about the gaze, about seeing people, about making eye contact.

Here’s my challenge to you for the month of December: Look people in the eyes. Actually see them. And, for the love of humanity, follow up with a smile! I know it sounds simple. Maybe even simplistic. But hear me out, because this matters more than you might think.

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We’re Living Through a Connection Crisis

The research on this is pretty startling. Studies show that 89% of Americans admit they took out their phone during their last social interaction, and 82% said it made the conversation worse. We know this. We’ve all felt it. And yet we keep doing it (source).

When a smartphone is even visible during a face-to-face conversation, just sitting on the table between you and another person, it reduces the quality of that interaction.

Virginia Tech researchers found that the mere presence of a mobile device leads to less eye contact, and when there’s less eye contact, we miss the subtle cues that make human connection possible (source). We miss facial expressions. We miss changes in tone. We miss the actual person in front of us.

MIT sociologist Sherry Turkle, who has been studying this for two decades, says we’re moving away from conversation in ways that are actively hurting us. She writes that conversation is “the most human and humanizing thing that we do. It’s where empathy is born, where intimacy is born — because of eye contact, because we can hear the tones of another person’s voice, sense their body movements, sense their presence” (source).

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What We’re Losing

I grew up in a world where you greeted people. You made eye contact. You smiled at strangers. It was just what you did. Now? I walk down a street, and I can barely catch anyone’s eye. Everyone’s looking at their screens or actively avoiding human interaction, likely with some AirPods in their ears, catching up on the 357 podcasts that they keep up with.

And this isn’t just about being polite. This is about our mental health, our well-being, our humanity.
When you make eye contact with someone and smile, your brain releases endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin — the chemicals that literally make you feel happier and reduce stress (source).

Smiling lowers your heart rate and blood pressure. It strengthens your immune system. Research has even linked the intensity of people’s smiles to their lifespan (source).

But the benefits aren’t just for you. When you smile at someone, it activates their smile muscles too. Our brains have what are called “mirror neurons” that reflect other people’s states (source). Your smile quite literally makes other people smile. You create a positive feedback loop. While you lift your own mood, you also lift theirs.

In a world where so many people feel invisible, unseen, and misunderstood, that’s a gift. And it’s December, the month of gift-giving!

The Gaze: A Radical Act

David Brooks talks about “illuminators” versus “diminishers.” Illuminators are people who make others light up. They approach every person with curiosity and excitement. They understand that every single person they meet has a unique story, and they genuinely want to know it. Diminishers, on the other hand, are so wrapped up in themselves that other people barely register.

Which one do you want to be?

Brooks says the first step in truly knowing another person is the gaze, that moment when your eyes meet theirs and communicate: You’re a person to me.

I’m challenging myself, and I’m challenging you to be an illuminator. Try it for this month.

Look up from your phone. When you pass someone in the hallway, look them in the eye and smile. When you’re standing in line at the coffee shop, acknowledge the barista as a human being, not just someone who’s there to serve you. When you’re having lunch with a friend, put your phone away — not just face down on the table, but actually away.

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See if you can go through one day this next week where you truly see every person you encounter. Well, most people … you might be a crazy person if you say “hi” to every person you pass! But, if you both are alone on the sidewalk, or in the hallway, or on the elevator? Yes, make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Notice how it makes you feel. Notice how they respond.

It’s Not Complicated

This isn’t rocket science. It’s not some elaborate mental health intervention. It’s just … human. It’s what we used to do naturally before we had a supercomputer in our pocket competing for our attention every waking moment. (Remember, that’s how they make money!)

But somewhere along the way, we forgot. Or we got too busy. Or we got too distracted. Or we convinced ourselves that our digital connections were enough.

They’re not.

Face-to-face communication is irreplaceable. Even during the pandemic, when many of us tried to compensate for limited in-person interaction by increasing digital communication, studies showed that digital communication was far less important for our mental health than face-to-face interaction.

Videoconferencing couldn’t replace it. Text messages couldn’t replace it. Nothing replaces looking another human being in the eyes, IN PERSON.

Are You Up for the Challenge?

I know you might feel uncomfortable at first, but we need to normalize looking people in the eye and smiling. And this can start with us — you, me, our families, our friends.

Smile at the person who bags your groceries. Smile at your mail carrier. Smile at the stranger you pass on the street. Smile at your kids, your partner, your colleagues. Make eye contact and let them know that in this moment, they’re the most important person to you.

You’re going to feel good. They’re going to feel good. You’ll remember what it feels like to be truly connected to the people around you.

This is one of those things where you already know I’m right. You know that your phone is getting in the way of your relationships. You know that you feel better when you actually connect with people. You know that something has shifted in our culture, and not for the better.

So let’s shift it back.

Look up. Look people in the eye. Smile.
It’s not complicated. But it might just change your life.

P.S. If this December challenge resonates with you, what do you think about a StyleBlueprint Community monthly challenge for 2026? Let us know in the comments below!

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