How Not to Date a Loser: Therapists Share the Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
Chemistry can be intoxicating, potential can be dangerously convincing, and red flags have a way of looking suspiciously green when you’ve got a crush. Two experts share how to spot unhealthy relationship patterns, recognize the green flags that matter, and stop falling for the same type with a different face. Image: iStock
Some relationship lessons come with a little too much character development. I learned a few against my will, as chronicled in my aptly titled “Lessons My Ex Taught Me (Against My Will).” But hindsight only gets you so far, and sometimes you need a professional to explain why that red flag looked suspiciously like a green one. Enter Brentwood, TN-based Healing Housing and its “How Not to Date a Loser” workshop, where therapists help women recognize unhealthy relationship patterns, set boundaries, and build healthier connections. The biggest lesson? Perfect partners don’t exist, but safe ones definitely do.
First, What Actually Makes Someone a “Loser”?
Hearing the word “loser” in a counseling setting might feel jarring at first, but the meaning isn’t as harsh as it seems. It’s not about judgment or stereotypes. Rather, it’s about asking a more important question: Is this person safe to be in a relationship with?
“When I think about ‘losers,’ the Yoda move I pull on clients is, ‘Hey, we’re kind of the losers here, too,’ right?” explains Stephanie Berglund, a licensed therapist at Grounded Light Therapy in Murfreesboro, TN, who leads Healing Housing’s “How Not to Date a Loser” workshop.
“What I’m really saying is a loser is unsafe to be in a close relationship with. That’s the clinical terminology. This is a person who is lovable and worthy, but they’re an unsafe person to have an intimate, close relationship with — whether that be physically, emotionally, or sexually.”
Jeff Browning, a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and founder of Beginner’s Mind Substance Abuse Counseling in Nashville, TN, offers a similar distinction between the “loser” label and the person behind it: “It’s not about judging whether somebody’s a ‘loser’ or not, because there are different standards for that.”
In other words, someone doesn’t have to be a bad person to be a bad match. They can have plenty of redeeming qualities and still earn a spot in your “What was I thinking?” memoir. Sometimes, the lesson you learn against your will is simply that being a good person and being the right person for you are not the same thing.
Pay Attention to What Happens When You Say “No”
One of the clearest signs someone may be an unsafe partner is how they respond when you tell them something isn’t okay. Do they hear you out, or do they get defensive? Do they push your boundaries, or somehow make you feel like you’re the problem? These moments can reveal a lot about the person you’re dating.
“You can really determine the health and safety of a person when there’s a difference between the two of you … or when someone invariably and inevitably steps on your toes — how do they respond when you tell them ‘ouch’?” explains Stephanie.
“A person who is problematic is going to have an extreme response to that,” she adds. “They are going to weaponize that, take no accountability, and they don’t make any meaningful repairs.”
And while a healthy response doesn’t mean your partner has to agree with every boundary you set, they should be able to hear you out without turning the conversation into a full-on courtroom drama.
Jeff says repeatedly pushing back on boundaries may be a looming red flag, especially when someone tries to convince you that your feelings are wrong. “If I tell somebody what my boundaries are and they want to constantly push back or tell me I shouldn’t feel that way, then that’s a huge warning sign,” he says.
On the other hand, a green flag can be much simpler, like someone who listens and takes what you say seriously. “A green flag [would be] someone saying, ‘Oh, thanks for letting me know,’ or ‘Hey, I totally get it,’” says Stephanie.
Chemistry Is Great. But Intensity Isn’t the Same as Love.
Few things can make you lose your head quite like a new crush. Suddenly, your phone is the most interesting thing you own, and a “good morning” text has you kicking your feet. Stephanie knows this feeling all too well. “There is no better drug on the face of this planet than new relationship energy,” she says.
That rush isn’t inherently concerning, but it can make chemistry feel like compatibility before you’ve really gotten to know someone. “Sometimes when a relationship and the emotions are really intense at first, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but that doesn’t mean love either. Intensity doesn’t mean love,” shares Jeff.
This intensity can sometimes show up as “love bombing,” when grand romantic gestures and big promises come before two people have really had a chance to build a genuine connection. Stephanie describes this as “taking steps in the relationship that are outsized for what is appropriate given the length and time investment that has been made so far.”
A bouquet after a great date? Sweet. An offer to pay off your medical debt before you’ve learned each other’s middle names? Maybe pump the brakes.
Stop Dating Someone’s Potential
Ah, potential. The magic quality that can turn a grown adult who can’t keep a plan into someone you’re convinced just needs a little more time to “get it together.” This is a common trap. “People often fall in love with an idea of who they think the person could be or who they should be, instead of the actual person,” says Jeff.
This doesn’t mean one late arrival or a forgotten plan deserves an immediate breakup. But if someone consistently lets you down, it may be time to stop giving their future self credit for things their present self hasn’t done.
“Everybody makes a mistake, and things happen, but if somebody shows me clearly in the beginning that they’re unreliable, then I have to believe that person is showing me how they generally are,” Jeff explains.
Stephanie offers another way to look at it: “Anybody can be a really, really good salesman, but not everybody is a hard worker.” Sweet words and big promises are easy to come by, so Stephanie often encourages people to ask themselves, “What are their actions showing?” Because potential is lovely, but it doesn’t exactly show up and do the work.
Green Flags Are More Than the Bare Minimum
If your dating standards have ever been reduced to “has a job, texts or calls me back, and doesn’t ruin my life,” this one’s for you. A healthy relationship requires more than the absence of obvious red flags.
“The biggest green flag — or what I talk to people a lot about — is that [your partner] has their own autonomy,” says Jeff. A good partner has a life of their own and wants you to have one, too. They’re kind in how they speak to you, support your personal goals, and don’t treat your independence like a threat.
Emotional maturity matters, too. “It’s always the individual’s job to emotionally regulate themselves, and not their partner,” Jeff adds. This doesn’t mean a healthy partner never gets upset or makes mistakes. Instead, it means you aren’t expected to manage your partner’s mood, walk on eggshells, or become their full-time emotional support department.
The Most Important Relationship to Examine Might Be Your Own
Sometimes, the biggest plot twist in a bad relationship is realizing you don’t like who you’ve become in it. That realization can be an important starting point for examining your own patterns, especially when you’re more focused on whether someone likes you than on whether you actually like them.
“This is almost universal with my clients … who find themselves in these types of bad relationships,” Stephanie explains. “There is an over-concern with how the other person feels about them rather than how they feel about that person.”
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself for someone else’s behavior. It’s about understanding your needs and deciding what you want to do differently. Jeff recommends putting your idea of a mature, healthy relationship on paper, then working toward those standards yourself and with a partner. Counseling can also help you unpack patterns that keep resurfacing.
You can’t rewrite your dating history, but you can stop letting it write the next chapter.
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Brianna Goebel
Brianna is StyleBlueprint’s Associate Editor and Sponsored Content Manager. She is an avid fan of iced coffee and spends her free time reading romance novels.
