How to Handle Grief During the Holidays
The holidays can be a tough time for those who have lost a loved one. Here are some expert pointers on how to handle grief during the holidays.
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Christmas music and movies, holiday parties and dinners, thoughtful cards and gifts, festive decorations and tacky sweaters.Β All the makings of the holiday season that are meant to bring joy can be painful reminders of loss when youβre grieving the death of a loved one this time of year.
While coping with the loss of a family member or friend is hard on any given day, during the holidays, that personβs absence can be even more painful. βWhen you talk about holidays, you can point to a chair thatβs now empty and that loss is magnified,β says Robert Smith, Executive Director of The Amelia Center.
A partner of Childrenβs of Alabama, The Amelia Center provides professional counseling for children and teens grieving the death of a close relative or friend. The center also provides counseling for parents grieving the death of a child, no matter the age of the child.
Robert has been counseling grieving families for nearly 20 years, giving guidance on how to handle grief in a healthy way even during the holidays. Here is some helpful insight he shares that hopefully can provide comfort to those struggling this holiday season.
How to Handle Grief During the Holidays
βDeath ends a life, not a relationship.β
When grieving the loss of a loved one during the holidays, carrying on family traditions may seem impossible or even wrong. But Robert believes doing so can be key to a healthy grieving process. Instead of ending holiday traditions because a member of the family has died, find ways to continue to make that person a part of the tradition. For example, Robert says some of the bereaved parents he works with will have a halo or angel wings embroidered on their childβs Christmas stocking.
βI always tell my clients that death ends a life; it doesnβt end a relationship,β he says. βInstead of pretending that they didnβt exist and we have to change every single thing so that we donβt think about them, I think the opposite is more helpful. We find ways of keeping them in our hearts and our minds. We integrate them newly into our tradition.β
Furthermore, Robert says that continuing holiday traditions will show love and appreciation for other family members. βWe want to remind the people who are still here and present that theyβre still worthy of being thankful for or having a Christmas or a holiday,β he says.
Moving forward with holiday traditions while grieving may seem impossible because you simply want to be left alone. Avoiding social interactions is a normal response to grief, Robert explains. However, he encourages his clients to eventually push themselves to be active and to be around other people. βMy advice to my clients is that you have to be courageous, and you have to be moving in your grief. Isolating yourself or being still, while sometimes is a short-term strategy, is not a long-term strategy.β
Robert says many of his clients find that being social helps them work through their grief. βHaving a chance to laugh and just being normal for a few minutes can be very therapeutic,β he adds.
Spending time with family members who are also mourning the loved one who has died can also be helpful. βYouβre crying, but youβre crying with people who love you the most, and youβre crying with people who are also hurt in similar ways,β he says. βThose families usually have a better opportunity to rally and eventually tell stories and laugh and find ways of remembering this person not simply because they died but because they lived.β
When to Seek Counseling for Your Grief
Robert doesnβt believe that every person dealing with the death of a loved one needs counseling. There are other ways to work through your grief such as journaling. He also says itβs important to exercise and eat a healthful diet.Β βYou have to take care of your body so your body will take care of you,β he says.
Talking to family and friends can be helpful as well. But if youβre having thoughts and feelings that youβre not comfortable sharing with them, consider counseling.Β βWe always want to take care of the people we love, and in doing so, sometimes we donβt always tell the whole truth or express all the things going on,β Robert explains. βSo, itβs nice to have someone outside that loop who you can talk to about anything β the darkest of thoughts or the deepest of emotions or the questioning of God.β
How to Help a Grieving Child
If you are a parent grieving the death of a family member, you also have the challenge of helping your children deal with this loss as well. So, while you may be coping with the loss of a parent, you must also help your children cope with the loss of their grandparent. βChildren, on the most part, will handle death far better than adults do,β Robert says. βWhat we see with a lot of kids is they seem to do really well β especially in the short term.β
Children may need six, 12, or even 18 months to truly understand what a death means. With time, you may notice your child struggling to cope with the loss. Robert says if you start to notice dramatic changes in behavior β such as regressive behavior or acting out at home or school β you should consider taking your child to see a counselor.
While itβs your responsibility to help your children cope with their grief, this doesnβt mean you have to hide your own. However, you must be a functional caregiver even while youβre a grieving one.Β βYou can be upset, you can cry on occasion, but you also have to be able to cook dinner and keep house and keep schedules and go to work and make your kids go to school.β
Enforcing structure while still acknowledging your pain shows your child what healthy grief is, Robert says. βWe can be upset, and we can cry,β he explains, βbut weβre still functional people.β
How to Help a Grieving Family Member or Friend
If you have a friend or family member suffering a significant loss during the holiday season, the greatest gift you can give that person is your presence. βDonβt say, βCall me if you need something,β because grieving people donβt do that,β Robert says.
Instead, you need to make the first move to spend time with your bereaved friend. Donβt worry about not knowing the right words to say. Accept that nothing you say or do will take away their pain. βWe have to be comfortable with the fact that people are not always going to be okay,β Robert says. βWhen youβre in these periods of substantial change and loss, youβre not okay, and you donβt need some little quip or placating little sentence to make you better.β So, be there, even if that means being silent, and continue to be there even when your friend seems to be doing better.
βDonβt assume because a month has gone by or six months has gone by that people are okay, even if they look okay,β he says. βGrieving people learn to put on a mask. Be present even when it looks like theyβre doing alright.β
For more information on services offered by The Amelia Center visit www.childrensal.org/amelia-center or call (205) 638-7481.Β
This article is sponsored by Childrenβs of Alabama.
Javacia Harris Bowser
Javacia Harris Bowser is a Birmingham-based freelance writer and the founder of See Jane Write, an online community and coaching service for women who write. With over 20 years of journalism experience, Javacia has received awards from the National Federation of Press Women, Alabama Media Professionals, Alabama Press Association, and the Alabama State Council on the Arts. When sheβs not writing, sheβs usually practicing Pilates, getting her 10K steps a day, or watching crime shows. Follow Javacia on Instagram @seejavaciawrite.