The Top 10 Mother-of-the-Groom Rules: Your Ultimate Playbook
Don't fall into the proverbial mother-of-the-groom trap! Local expert Neillie Kirk Butler decodes the widely unknown rules of this very important role. Image: Kellen Jacob Photography
There are unspoken rules of etiquette and often unknown financial responsibilities attached to being mother of the groom. Many people are unpleasantly surprised to learn that they should be footing the bill for certain flowers or booking the getaway transportation. And not knowing whatβs expected of you as the mother of he groom can result in additional financial stress and emotional anxiety during an already stressful time. So weβve gone to a local expert in Birmingham, Alabama to get some clarity on the issue.
Neillie Kirk Butler, owner and executive planner of MariΓ©e Ami β a wedding planning studio in the heart of Mountain Brook β demystifies and decodes the unspoken rules of being mother of the groom. With these 10 rules β plus five more that will score you major mother-of-the-groom brownie points β youβll gracefully coast through the complex wedding planning maze and impress your sonβs new family with your thoughtful care and loving support! When it comes to planning a wedding, you want it to be as stress-free as possible! These tips will help.
1. Immediately connect with the mother of the bride.
Be the first to reach out and introduce yourself, or if you already know each other, simply share your excitement and happiness over the future marriage. Neillie explains that itβs the groomβs motherβs job to say, βWeβre here to help in any way we can, and we will get started on the rehearsal dinner planning, but please be sure to let me know if you ever need anything from me.β Leaving open the doors of communication makes the brideβs mother feel that she can always go to the groomβs mother with questions, guest list requirements and expenses. βItβs just a supportive and responsible way to handle this large, important event,β says Neillie.
2. Be open and honest about financial abilities early on.
If the parent(s) of the groom are unable to shoulder any portion of their financial responsibilities, they should be open from the very beginning with the groom and the brideβs parents. βThe mother of the groom needs to take the initiative so that her son isnβt put in an awkward position, saying βI donβt know. My mom hasnβt told me,ββ says Neillie. βItβs just important to get it all out on the table so the brideβs family can make decisions based on that information.β
3. Ask how many guests the brideβs family would like for you to invite.
One of the most common difficult topics in wedding planning is the guest list. Sending in a list of 600 people when the brideβs side was expecting 100 creates so much stress and anxiety and it becomes hard for the families to address it. βMothers of the groom need to understand that this is a very touchy topic, because every single guest costs a good amount of money and the brideβs family is putting lots of pieces together to formulate a budget, and the one driving factor in formulating a budget is the number of guests that they can invite,β says Neillie. βSo, be the mother of the groom of the year and say, βHow many people do you want me to invite?β Get an honest answer and stick to that number.β
4. Know which flower duties you are fiscally responsible for and graciously address that with the mother of the bride.
The groom is fiscally responsible for some flower duties β the brideβs bouquet, the boutonnieres and the mothersβ flowers. βNow, paying for these items does not mean that the mother of the groom gets to choose them. That is a big no-no,β says Neillie. βThe right thing to do is to tell the bride and her mother, βI want to pay for my responsibilities, so pick out whatever you want and make sure the florist sends me a bill.ββ Neillie adds that if you have a financial situation that makes it difficult to cover these costs, it is very fair to talk to the florist about costs ahead of time.
5. Offer to pay for the groomβs cake.
The groomβs cake falls into a gray area but itβs a nice gesture to offer to pay for the groomβs cake in those initial financial planning talks. Neillie warns that when it comes to the cake, make sure to take into consideration the brideβs color scheme and what she has in mind. βAt the end of the day, this is the brideβs day and itβs her wishes that matter most,β says Neillie.
6. Plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner.
The groomβs family is financially responsible for the rehearsal dinner. If they donβt have a lot of money to spend, then that needs to be taken into consideration when planning the rehearsal dinner. That may mean that they need to have a small wedding-party-only rehearsal dinner that consists of barbecue in somebodyβs backyard or maybe the brideβs family will offer to go in with them, maybe not. βAgain, circling back to that first phone call and setting up those initial expectations, have the whole financial conversation at the beginning so there are no surprises and everything can go smoothly,β says Neillie.
7. Be proactive and know the wedding agenda.
Make sure you are well-informed about the weekendβs agenda, where youβre going, when you are supposed to be there and what is needed of you. βIf you havenβt heard by the week of the wedding when you should be ready for photos, for example, then ask,β advises Neillie. βBe proactive and do you part to help. Be there with a smile on your face and roll with it.β
8. Compensate the minister.
The minister doesnβt give you an invoice or tell you his or her rate, so itβs just one of those things where the groom needs to ask around and find out the going rate or call the church and ask for the typical compensation for officiating a wedding. βItβs this unspoken code and the priest is never going to tell you, βThatβll be $600,β unless he is a rent-a-priest,β says Neillie. βBut I see it being anywhere from $400 to $800.β If you have a friend get ordained online to officiate your wedding, you are not hiring a true professional, so no payment is in order; however, a gift of thanks for your BFF-turned-officiant is a nice way of saying thank you.
9. Once the groom and his bride make their sparkler-flanked exit from the reception, the fiscal responsibilities shift to the groom and his family.
The groom is financially responsible for the getaway transportation from the reception, room and board on the night of the reception and the honeymoon. To be super considerate, check with the brideβs family to make sure that any flowers or decorations on the getaway vehicle are in keeping with the wedding decor.
10. Check in with the bride and offer your time and support β but not your opinion.
Neillie has heard brides complain that they havenβt heard anything from the mother of the groom. So, itβs nice to call and put yourself out there. Offer to help without offering an opinion. βMost of the time, the bride and the mother of the bride want some involvement from the mother of the groom,β says Neillie. βOffer your time and your heart, and be understanding. Youβre dealing with a very emotional bride and a stressed out mother of the bride, so choose your words carefully. Know that anything you say or do will be amplified.β
5 Ways to go Above and Beyond
1. Share flowers.
Offer to use the same florist for the rehearsal dinner so that the brideβs family can re-use the flowers as they see fit for the wedding day.
2. Offer to help with hostess gifts.
See if you can help pick out or shop for any hostess gifts!
3. Donβt be afraid to thank the vendors.
βA father of the groom recently came up to me and gave me the biggest hug and, with tears in his eyes, said βI cannot thank you enough. You and your company are amazing. I never dreamed my sonβs wedding could be so fabulous and you made sure I was where I needed to be, when I needed to be there. I didnβt miss anything. From the bottom of my heart, I canβt thank you enough.β And, literally, that was all I needed for the whole weekend. Thatβs why we do what we do,β says Neillie. The caterer, band, florist and planners have all worked hard on the wedding with a lot of contact from the brideβs side so hearing that they were happy and thankful from the groomβs side goes such a long way.
4. Offer to coordinate and pay for your out-of-town guestsβ transportation and hotel gifts.
Most of the time, all of the groomβs friends and family travel to the wedding, which is usually on the brideβs turf. βIf all of the out-of-town guests are your friends, then offer to pay for and put together the hotel gifts. Or offer to arrange for the transportation for out-of-town guests,β says Neillie.
5. If there is no wedding planner, offer your help!
If the brideβs family does not have a wedding planner, then theyβll need to have one of the most crucial puzzle pieces to pulling off a successful wedding: an airtight wedding timeline of which everyone is aware. So, offer to draft a wedding timeline and even help manage it. Or, if the mother of the bride needs help in another area of wedding planning, then roll up your sleeves, put a smile on your face and get to work! Youβll be crowned mother-of-the-groom-of-the-year in no time!
Thank you to Neillie of MariΓ©e Ami for sharing the secrets to winning as mother of the groom!
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Lauren Helmer
Lauren Helmer is a writer, editor, and artist with a passion for food, the arts, interiors, and the people who create them.