5 Things You Need to Stop Saying
Do you want to feel more empowered? Small but mighty, some words we use on a daily basis have a profound effect on how others perceive us β and we're all "guilty" of using them.
Our words carry energy. They are the most influential tools we possess in our everyday arsenal, and they have the ability to either limit or liberate us. And, while they may appear harmless, certain expressions can shift peopleβs perceptions of us β in some cases, zapping our authority in nanoseconds. So, at the risk of making you overthink everything you say aloud, weβre breaking it down. Here are five phrases to stop saying in order to feel more empowered.
βIβm sorry.β
How often do you catch yourself apologizing? When someone bumps into your shopping cart in the middle of the supermarket produce aisle, is your knee-jerk reaction to blurt out, βIβm sorry!β? If someone blocks your path because theyβre too busy obliviously chatting on their cell phone, do you immediately jump to, βIβm sorry, can I get by you?β Weβre all guilty of it β reflexively apologizing when we arenβt at fault for anything. In both of the aforementioned scenarios, for example, βIβm sorryβ could be substituted with its less blame-taking sister phrase, βPardon me.β The result? A polite remark or request that replaces an unwarranted apology.
To be clear, we arenβt suggesting you should never again use the words Iβm sorry. Showing empathy and owning our actions, especially if weβve hurt someone, is a fundamental part of life. Itβs also the right thing to do! Here at SB, we stand by the slogan, βBe kind, do good.β However, constant apologies systematically belie our power and self-confidence, especially when the words Iβm sorry precede our relevant and worthwhile opinions.
In recent years, there has been a surge of encouragement for βunapologeticβ living, especially as it pertains to women. There have been booksΒ and even comedy skits written about the topic. In an interview a few years ago, when asked to recount something sheβd learned during her most recent project, actress Amy Schumer answered, βI discovered not to apologize before putting my two cents in.β
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The fact is, you shouldnβt feel bad for contributing your viewpoint, doing your job or meaning business, right? So whatβs our hangup? The running theory is that weβve been conditioned to be polite and avoid conflict, so βIβm sorryβ has become an ingrained, roll-off-the-tongue comeback β even when other responses might be more appropriate. No one relishes the idea of being seen as rude or insensitive, so sometimes, we overcompensate in the opposite direction.
It even applies to trivial matters. Take a trip to your local coffee shop, for example. You wait 15 minutes in line to order a plain iced latte, and when the barista hands you your drink, itβs piping hot and has an overdose of vanilla syrup. Sure, you could keep your mouth shut and simply be thankful youβre getting your much-needed caffeine fix; instead, you say, βExcuse me. Iβm so sorry, but this isnβt what I ordered. Would you mind remaking it?β The question becomes: why are you sorry for the mistake someone else made? Accidents happen β that poor barista probably remakes drinks all day long. And itβs just a cup of coffee, after all! But whether it was a 50 cent coffee or one of the high-end brews that takes more out of your paycheck than dental insurance (which youβll likely need in spades if you stick with all of that vanilla syrup), you deserve to get what you asked and paid for. And why be sorry for that?
Our advice: Employ some verbal mindfulness and be polite without the apology. #GOALS. Oh, and the next time you begin a conversation with, βIβm sorry to bother you,β try switching gears. Own your valuable input and confidently bring it to the table!
ββ¦ But β¦β
This three-letter word is a staple in our vocabulary, and nearly impossible to avoid. But its placement makes the difference β itβs all about context. Following an idea or opinion, βbutβ often negates or detracts from whatever came before it. Consider this sentence: βI would love to have quiche for dinner tonight, but Iβm good with whatever you choose.β Why not stick to, βI would love to have quiche tonight.β? Your opinion matters. If someone differs, we can only hope theyβll speak up about it β let the friendly dialogue ensue! Meanwhile, adding βbutβ suggests your thought or feeling isnβt as valid as someone elseβs. And how about when you tell your spouse or child, βI love you, but it drives me crazy when you leave your clothes all over the floor.β? Saying βI love you, butβ¦β takes away from the expression of affection and inadvertently makes it sound like seeing clothes on the floor somehow detracts from the love you feel β which weβre pretty sure isnβt what you were going for!
Our advice: Express yourself proudly and with conviction, and cut the βbutβ if it throws shade on the sentence before it.
βNo offense β¦β
Itβs the disclaimer of all disclaimers. A micro-expression meant to soften the blow, saying βno offenseβ most often results in putting someone on the immediate defense instead. It typically sets up the expectation of criticism and highlights whatever it is someone might be offended by. For example, you tell your sister-in-law, βNo offense, but I donβt think those shoes match that skirt.β It seems relatively innocent, right? The intention is honesty without hurt feelings (we hope), and chances are, you are saying it to someone who knows you have good intentions β in this case, a family member. But most of the time, we use those words when we know weβre about to say something inflammatory, and the receiving party knows that too. Beginning an opinion with βno offenseβ doesnβt remove our accountability when it comes to hurt feelings. (Especially as it pertains to in-laws.) Kind and candid can undoubtedly co-exist with thoughtfully chosen words, so saying βno offenseβ should be unnecessary.
Our advice: Concentrate on being constructive. If you know youβre being fair, respectful and truthful, thereβs no need to add a pre-emptive buffer. And if youβre still tempted to use the term βno offense,β consider whether your statement might be better left unsaid.
βHonestlyβ or βTo tell the truthβ
When we begin a sentence with the words honestly or to tell the truth, it unintentionally implies that we werenβt being honest before. Since there are few things more important than being able to take someone at their word, whether in a personal or professional capacity, this can be a massive detriment to the impression we make. For the most part, those terms tend to be utilized as a sentence segue. Much like βI mean β¦ β or βWell β¦ β they donβt necessarily serve a purpose or enhance our point. And they are usually offered as a way to preface harsh truth, as in, βHonestly, I think velour tracksuits should have stayed in the β80s.β
Our advice: Be honest but skip the βhonestly.β Donβt devalue your integrity by beginning your sentences with a term that conveys mistrust.
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βJustβ
Padding our vocabulary with the word βjustβ can dilute our objective. It often takes on the role of a filler word, making our point seem less impactful or suggesting we should feel bad for something. Picture this scenario: You have cherished friends coming over for dinner, and youβve spent hours following a complicated recipe so you can serve a thoughtfully prepared meal. Your guests take one bite and begin praising your culinary skills, gushing over how delicious it tastes. As a response, you say, βOh, thanks. Itβs just a recipe I found online.β In that instance, βjustβ becomes a way to deflect the compliment, giving up ownership of the effort youβve put in. Being humble is a beautiful thing, but itβs okay to acknowledge that your work has merit too!
Sometimes just can also take the form of an apology or suggests insecurity. For instance, examine what happens when you tell a coworker, βI know youβre busy; I just wanted to give you a copy of tomorrowβs sales pitch.β The βjustβ makes it sound as though you feel bad for interrupting β even though youβre doing your job.
Our advice: You arenβt just another member of your home or office. Youβre worthy, respectable and valuable, so donβt sell yourself short.
Honorable Mention: The Exclamation Point!
We know, we know, we said, βfive phrases.β But we canβt ignore an oft major culprit in our writing, so weβre granting honorable mention to the exclamation point β punctuation, which, when used sparingly, emphasizes excitement or urgency. But what happens when we use it excessively?!!! Everything seems so dramatic!!! Our sentences appear overwrought with big feelings!!!!!! People take us less seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!
See what we did there?
Using too many exclamation points can make it sound like weβre about to self-destruct, so curbing our punctuation enthusiasm, particularly when constructing work emails, is one way we can present ourselves more professionally. The conversational nature of the exclamation point certainly has a place in our texts, Instagram posts, personal emails and even hand-written letters. After all, how boring would it be if every sentence ended in a period? But employing the exclamation point too liberally can stifle its impact and make people feel like youβre shouting at them from the page.
Our humble advice: Refrain from excessive use of exclamation points, particularly in more formal correspondence. Consider how to get your point across without overzealous punctuation. Sometimes subtlety is a good thing.
In conclusion, weβre sorry if weβve made you overthink your everyday vocabulary, but we just wanted to draw your attention to some conversational pitfalls!!!! Scratch that.
Letβs try this ending instead:
In conclusion, we hope weβve shed some light on a few conversational pitfalls you can avoid, in order to feel more empowered. Now, take your newly adjusted vocabulary and go spread some self-confidence!
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Jenna von Oy Bratcher
Jenna von Oy Bratcher is StyleBlueprint's Editorial Operations Manager and Lead Content Editor. The East Coast native moved to Nashville almost two decades ago, by way of Los Angeles. She is a lover of dogs, strong coffee, traveling, and exploring the local restaurant scene bite by bite.