This is an open letter from the Olympic Fashion Stylists to all of our fans here and abroad. (We’re looking at you, Russia).
(Editor’s note: This is entirely fiction, but I contend that it must bear some semblance to the truth.)
Hi, USA fans, friends and family,
We’re back in the USSR! Oh, wait comrades, they don’t call it that anymore. They are a full-blown “democracy” over here now. <wink, wink, nod, nod> Anywho, we are the USA Team special stylists. What, you’ve never heard of us? That’s funny, because we are everywhere. In America, perception is reality. Also in America, we have this little thing called HDTV, which means that perception better be pretty darn perfect.
Let me show you some of our work from the Summer Olympics. When the other athletes were looking all nasty, look at our team. That’s right. Turn on the cameras, we’re ready.
So, even if our athletes aren’t sweeping all the medals (and it feels like the Cold War again, with all the cheating Russian judges), our Sochi team is going to look Spectacular.
First, let us explain the Ugly Christmas Sweaters —I mean, team uniform sweaters for the opening ceremony. When everyone else is wearing a puffer coat, we had to think outside the box. Ralph assembled his elite team of knitters and voila, cue the fireworks. Okay, maybe not the most fierce Alpine look, but negative press is better than no press. You noticed the athletes, right? Their white leggings, white turtleneck sweaters and hiking boots were all fierce. But here’s the moral of the story: Everyone was waiting to see what we were going to pull out of our tobaggans next on the fashion scene. Ralph Lauren laid the foundation and we took it from there.
I mean, this is our competition with the puffer coats, a.k.a Rainbow Brite. Sweaters don’t look so bad now, do they?
Here are the rules for the American athletes:
- Nobody gets to do their own hair, ever.
- Nobody gets to do their own makeup, ever.
- All outfits are coordinated according to our theme.
- All jewelry must be approved.
- Nobody leaves the Olympic Village without a final appearance check by us.
- No selfies on the crazy group toilets.
Let me show you some of our themes thus far:
We’re so smart. We debuted this hairdo with the Flying Tomato. Who knew he could transform into this handsome ginger?
Then we made sure to pack our clippers and lots of product to maintain the fades of some of our other men.
This is who we are aiming our clippers at next. Didn’t want to cut off Sampson’s hair until he won the gold. Now it’s time, Sage.
Watch what happens when the Russians tried to copy our look. It’s amateur night over there.
Here’s our other plan of attack. We are going to make our Ice Princesses, the figure skaters, look like real princesses. You’ll be so distracted by their porcelain skin and matte red lips that everything else will fade away. We also made it mandatory for them to wear the lipstick at all times, sort of like how the Princesses wear their full ensembles and walk around Disneyworld. Automatic aura of greatness ensues.
Even in despair, Ashley Wagner’s red lips and black cat eyes look fabulous.
These two look like the perfect Princess and Prince match. I’m telling you, we know exactly what we are doing here.
Here’s the Russian attempt at styling their gold medal princess. Hello, she’s a blonde with fair skin and blue eyes (with perfect eyebrows). How can you mess this one up?
Are you asking yourself: Do you have to be blonde to ski or snowboard? Do you have to have perfect sunkissed skin? The answer is a resounding yes. We want Breck Girls, and we know we are dating ourselves here with a reference to the Breck Girls. But that’s what we want and we have achieved said goal. Here is what a true Breck girl looks like:
Long, perfect, blonde hair. Natural makeup. Outdoorsy. So we took that idea and added a hat and a small braid on some of the girls.
Here’s our original prototype. It has served us well.
But we have cloned her here:
Oh, and here too:
During the press conferences, we add a hat, a la Joni Mitchell, for mystery.
Here’s our cross over winner, Julia Mancuso. She combines the Breck Girl and Disney Princess. Keep up the great work, Julia.
Russians give us this, we’re assuming, as their interpretation of a fresh-faced, sun-loving gal: They have their athletes posing in scanty bikinis. Please. If you can’t look good in your uniform,then don’t even bother showing up. You’re not going up to the podium to accept your gold medal in a bikini, right?
Meet our next client <fingers crossed>, a man we dearly love and admire. He is the most interesting man in the whole world. I mean, he made his ski suit look like a mariachi suit. Genius!
The Canucks took a page out of our Breck Girls playbook and added a pea coat and fancy names. Well played, Canada.
Stay tuned for more of our portfolio. We have the next two weeks carefully planned out. Just. You. Wait.