Have you noticed something lately when you go to the beach or to the pool? Butt cheeks. I’ve been noticing butt cheeks. Everywhere. Is this a nod to globalization? Are we supporting the host country for the Olympics? What’s happening here?

This image was chosen because it does not show the bottom of the cheek. We are not that kind of publication. Image: <a href="https://wanelo.com/p/10667275/the-girl-and-the-water-san-lorenzo-knotted-bikini-bottom-isla-palmera-66" target="_blank">Wanelo.com</a>
This image was chosen because it does not show the bottom of the cheek. We are not that kind of publication. Image: Wanelo.com

I noticed this during Spring Break while walking through Seaside, Florida. I saw a throng of high school boys with one girl in the middle. That center point in the target was a beautiful girl with a Brazilian bikini bottom on and to be honest, I think it would qualify as more of a thong. She was sauntering through the square and, later, sat square on that bare bottom and enjoyed a hamburger. These boys followed her around like zombies. And let me tell you, my children and I watched her like zombies too.

Fast forward to our summer beach vacation in Gulf Shores. Two couples set up shop right next to us and the two girls had on these bottoms. Again, our family was like zombies staring at them.

Why were we staring? Because it’s not a lot of cheek but it’s JUST enough to make you do a double take. Technically, they were clothed; yes. But I was seeing parts of these girls that I should not have seen.

Let me be clear: I’m a big believer that if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But flaunt it with a modicum of mystery. These girls all have great booties but I could come to that conclusion without having their cheeks in my face. And all the girls that are wearing them are young for the most part; as in, “There should be a permission slip required to wear those” kind of young.

Instead of going off on a tangent of feminism and class, I’m going to list the operational and realistic reasons why NOT to wear these. How do I know? Because I watched and studied this Brazilian bottom circus for a week while I was on my beach vacation.

There are not going to be any more pictures in this article, though. We don’t want the FCC coming after us — plus we are not that kind of publication. Use your imagination.

Why NOT to Wear a Brazilian Bottom

They only look good if you are standing up.

Hand to God, and I’ll explain below, when they look good, they look really good. But the only pose that works is standing up, possibly gazing at the ocean, standing still. No movement is allowed.

Want to feel like you have a wedgie all day? Here’s your bottom.

There is a difference between wearing thong underwear and wearing this bottom. Thong underwear is light, airy and does not take a whole lot of getting used to – just ask the huge majority of women in our population that wear them with regularity. Brazilian bottoms are tighter, more invasive, more aggressive. It’s not a slip of fabric, it’s a swath of spandex that makes its presence between your cheeks definitely known.

Sand is impossible to get out without a major cleaning in the ocean.

Do the math. You are in the sand. The sand gravitates towards every crevice, the largest of which is your bum’s. With a fuller coverage bottom, one can just shake it out or go for a quick dip to remove that sand. The Brazilian bottom acts as a seal on that crevice, and the sand stays unless you perform a contortionist move in the ocean, which is very obvious. And my goodness, can you fathom having sand in your crack all day long?

There is no setup or breakdown of your beach area in these bottoms.

Setting up a beach tent? Opening your chairs? Digging through your cooler? Usually there is some bending, lifting and squatting during these maneuvers. Your booty is on parade during this time and all of your lady parts are too. All of them, out and visible.

Running is a NO-NO.

In the name of all that is holy, PLEASE do not run down the beach in this bottom. Even Bo Derek (Google it, Millenials) would look like a buffoon. When you run, your booty shakes. Good, bad or other, no butt looks good in a jiggling fashion. I would personally expand this term to “any abrupt movement” at all, not just running.

This will cost a lot of money in waxing.

Well, it’s quite obvious that nary a hair is acceptable when wearing these bottoms. That’s going to require a professional to take care of all that presence. And it’s a presence that extends beyond the normal realm of bikinis. Just get ready for that maintenance and for that bill. There is no other option but complete hairlessness.

There’s no sunbathing like normal.

Again, think of this operationally. You lie down on your towel, ready to soak up the sun. What do you do with your legs? Leave them flat on the lounge chair? No. Bend your knees? No; to anyone in the vicinity, you’d look like you’re giving birth. So what position does that leave? None. Stand up to tan.

Please warn your neighbors before you get up or disembark from your lounge chair.

The only people who should see a person in a Brazilian bottom get up from a reclined position should be their doctor. Specifically, their gynecologist. It is impossible to not show absolutely all of your lady parts while rising. If you think that slip of a string of fabric — otherwise known as the Brazilian bottom crotch area — is going to cover you adequately, well, bless your heart. It’s not. You might as well bring some HIPAA forms for people to sign to keep your personal information confidential.

There’s no sexy way to sit down.

Sitting down naturally results in a spread of your thighs and butt. But sitting down on your bare cheeks with a spread equals discomfort. These are parts that usually do not see the light of day, so they are not accustomed to handling hard surfaces — much less hot ones — on their own without some padding in between.

You have to maintain sexiness with everyone watching your every move.

That’s the reason to wear these bottoms, right? To look sexy and attractive? But as I have seen and studied all week, there really is only one way to look sexy in these, and that is standing up. So … what do you do the other 98 percent of the time? I want to start packing a spare sarong for these ladies so that they can do all the fun things on the beach without having to pose.

This is a touchy subject to write about, yes. Technically, you are wearing clothes, but really, you are not. Brazilian bottoms are the men’s tiny Speedo of women’s suits. Nobody appreciates a good butt more than me and, as we age, a nice booty on a 40 year old deserves a high five — she worked harder than anyone to get those glutes.

But let’s leave the Brazilian bottoms to the Brazilians (Gisele, I’m looking at you) and the supermodels of the world and wear a more functional bottom. Your neighbors and fellow beachgoers will thank you forever.

Be sure to download our free SB App and find all the great local shops that sell full-coverage bathing suit bottoms — and to find all the great local workout locales to firm up that booty!

About the Author
Heidi Potter