Picture it: The year is 1990. I’m going to college with very little in the way of a wardrobe after 12 years of Catholic school uniforms. So, we head to the Gap to stock up on jeans. Black, acid wash, normal, red—I bought about five pairs PLUS the requisite jorts in all those colors, too. Don’t know what a jort is? Google it. You had them, I know it. Let me tell you about my figure in the early 90s. Thin, but still with a booty (I was born that way). So the jeans really accented both of my assets, small waist and curvy bottom. I wore mom jeans. Plain and simple. And I was only 18 years old, about 11 years from being an actual mom.
Flash forward to 1998. I wore mom jeans to my bachelorette party. Can we revisit that decision, Heidi? Want to look good, check. Get makeup done, check. Fix hair, check. Wear new, expensive top, check. Then tuck that top into a pair of mom jeans and put a big ole belt on it, check.
Jeans started going lower at the MOST inopportune time for me: after I had my first child, and after I discovered what a muffin-top was. See, you can get back to that 1998 fighting weight, but there is an omnipresent layer of blubber right around your belly button that never goes away. Mom jeans would have really solved that muffin top issue for me. But, the new lower-rise style sure made my booty look better and thinner in general.
So now I see that the mom jeans are back. Ladies, I know the promises they make as they sing their siren song to us.
- We’ll cover your muffin top.
- Your booty will look so luscious.
- We’re not as tight in the legs.
- Your butt crack won’t hang out of the top of your waistband when you sit down.
- Remember that waist you used to have? We’ll find it again and show it off.
- Look at how gorgeous all these celebrities are who wear us.
Watch this pictorial menagerie unfold: You will see these jeans go from acceptable to unacceptable in the blink of an eye. I’m here to help walk you through the fire. (And no, I’m not putting any links on how to buy any of these jeans. I’m not an enabler.)
Seriously, I cannot take any more. It’s blinding me.
Let me leave you with this. It’s my two best friends Amy and Tina and what they think of Mom Jeans. Case closed.