Picture it: The year is 1990. I’m going to college with very little in the way of a wardrobe after 12 years of Catholic school uniforms. So, we head to the Gap to stock up on jeans. Black, acid wash, normal, red—I bought about five pairs PLUS the requisite jorts in all those colors, too. Don’t know what a jort is? Google it. You had them, I know it. Let me tell you about my figure in the early 90s. Thin, but still with a booty (I was born that way). So the jeans really accented both of my assets, small waist and curvy bottom. I wore mom jeans. Plain and simple. And I was only 18 years old, about 11 years from being an actual mom.
A buffet of mom jeans. (And, these girls won’t be speaking to me after publishing this picture.)
Flash forward to 1998. I wore mom jeans to my bachelorette party. Can we revisit that decision, Heidi? Want to look good, check. Get makeup done, check. Fix hair, check. Wear new, expensive top, check. Then tuck that top into a pair of mom jeans and put a big ole belt on it, check.
Reminiscent of my bachelorette party, surrounded by throngs of men while I wear my mom jeans. Or, it’s Christy Turlington in Valentino. Whatever. Image credit: Herb Ritts.
Jeans started going lower at the MOST inopportune time for me: after I had my first child, and after I discovered what a muffin-top was. See, you can get back to that 1998 fighting weight, but there is an omnipresent layer of blubber right around your belly button that never goes away. Mom jeans would have really solved that muffin top issue for me. But, the new lower-rise style sure made my booty look better and thinner in general.
J. Crew Mid Rise jeans in dark wash. Simply lovely and so slimming. Image credit: J. Crew
So now I see that the mom jeans are back. Ladies, I know the promises they make as they sing their siren song to us.
- We’ll cover your muffin top.
- Your booty will look so luscious.
- We’re not as tight in the legs.
- Your butt crack won’t hang out of the top of your waistband when you sit down.
- Remember that waist you used to have? We’ll find it again and show it off.
- Look at how gorgeous all these celebrities are who wear us.
LIARS!!!!
Watch this pictorial menagerie unfold: You will see these jeans go from acceptable to unacceptable in the blink of an eye. I’m here to help walk you through the fire. (And no, I’m not putting any links on how to buy any of these jeans. I’m not an enabler.)
Well, Jessica Alba could be gorgeous in a paper sack. Notice that she is covering her high waistband with a cardigan. Image credit: listal.com
You. Yes, you. Are you looking at me? You should because my booty goes on for ever and ever and ever in these jeans. It appears to start at my shoulder blades. Image credit: neudenim.com
Well HOWDY! I haven’t seen a pair of Wranglers since the Houston Rodeo circa 1994. These must be a vintage buy that she altered. Image credit: ww38.t-t-l-g.com.
A London girl’s lookbook with these mom jeans from Top Shop. Tartan plaid scarf is lovely. Image credit: lookbook.nu
And, we’ve taken a turn to the dark side with Miley. How appropriate. There is no way she can breathe in this outfit. (we know, she kinda looks like Lindsey here … )Image credit: outfitidentifier.com
Sweet mother of pearl. NO. Nobody wins here. Top Shop, hit the brakes. The jeans are bad enough without the crop top to boot. Image credit: us.topshop.com
This girl stole these jeans from my father’s closet, because he wore them constantly in the early 90s. Image credit: asos.com
My tween daughters love this look and that scares me to the core. Image credit: Urban Outfitters
Seriously, I cannot take any more. It’s blinding me.
Let me leave you with this. It’s my two best friends Amy and Tina and what they think of Mom Jeans. Case closed.
