Plaintiff: Heidi Harmon Potter, representing herself.
Defendant: the Capri Pants, representing themselves.
(Jury comprised of 11 capri wearers, 1 non-capri wearer)
Opening Arguments: Your honor and distinguished members of the jury, I realize this might be a frivolous lawsuit, but the Plaintiff is suing the Defendant for slander, libel and defamation of character. I contend that capris are not flattering on anyone. Anytime. Anywhere. I also contend that Capris have fooled ladies for years, lulling them into a false sense of style that denigrates, not appreciates, their womanly bodies.
I have worn my old set of capris here today to prove a point. (Pointing to hem at calf line) See how they end on the WIDEST part of my calf. My calves are not that thick anywhere else, yet I am highlighting the worst part of my leg. And I’m tall so I have some more leg distance to go down to my shoes, but let’s just say half of America doesn’t have much leg to stand on.
I call my first witness: The Crop Pant
My second witness: The longer trouser
My third witness: The Bermuda Short
Your honor, may I present Tina Adams, wardrobe consultant, as my expert witnesses:
Your honor and esteemed members of the jury, as I can see from here, your honor has capris on under her robe and 11 of my 12 jurors have capris on today. I know it might be a hopeless case, but I just ask that my case be heard. I realize that rounding up all your capri pants and giving them to Goodwill may sound extreme, so I ask that you take a one week break from your capris. Take them and move them to another closet so you won’t be tempted. Capris are not your friends, ladies. They are not showing you in your best light. They are – gasp – false friends!
I leave you with a few more examples of your false friends.
I’d love to hear your feedback on this issue or you can tell me your progress on your capri pants “diet.”
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.