Juice cleanses, The Master Cleanse, bone marrow and broth cleanses … It’s all enough to make you want to eat a taco with guacamole and drink a margarita. Oh, wait! What if you could actually eat tacos, for every single meal and even have required margaritas? Now, THIS cleanse … this makes me want to weep. You may not know it, but eating tacos is on my list of things I do best.
The Taco Cleanse: Your Dreams Come True
Here is the introduction to this diet, guaranteed to make you smile:
“Did you try The Master Cleanse and feel hungry all the time? Did South Beach leave you cold? Did you climb on board the Paleo train only to learn that cavemen didn’t ride on trains? Finally, there is a new diet plan that will have you actually enjoying life! One that you can actually stick to: The Taco Cleanse!” — tacocleanse.com
It’s a vegan cleanse, so sadly no cheesy egg tacos in the morning, but, hey, I’m game! Let’s look through what you can actually eat and how this whole thing works. It promises to “detox your dreams and redefine your dinner.” So, unlike the ease of a juice cleanse (pay for juice, open bottle, drink, recycle) or The Master Cleanse (squeeze lemons into a gallon of water, add cayenne pepper and agave nectar, stir, drink it throughout the day), it sounds like you’ll actually have to cook. Okay, we’re adults here. We can possibly handle assembling and cooking some food for ourselves, right? I mean, it’s tacos. Tacos are worth it.
On the Taco Cleanse website, a reader asks about making bad choices (burritos) and how to fully embrace the taco. The authors make this into an analogy of life and how eating tacos better prepares us, comparing burritos to newborns swaddled and the comfort this gives. But, we all need to grow up and let the blanket go … thus eating tacos. Here’s the highlight:
“The best way to move forward is to think about why we eat tacos. The are packed with many different flavors and textures all bursting out essentially saying “look at me.” Unlike a burrito a taco is a little bit dangerous, parts of it are probably going to fall out. If you are eating a crispy taco it could even break in half! But when that happens you pick up the pieces and start over in a newer better taco. That’s what you need to internalize because it’s also going to help you moving forward with your life. Look to the taco and it’s fundamental fearlessness. It’s time to embody your own inner taco and break free of this negative situation you’ve found yourself in. Good luck!”
They even warn that men who have had no success growing a beard just may find themselves with a beard. Tacos apparently have almost magical medicinal powers … trying to conceive a child? Eat tacos. Trying to enhance your birth control? Try tacos. Yes, tacos are the answer to everything. EVERYTHING. And, if you are going to commit to eating tacos as a means of everything you put in your mouth for the next two to three weeks, I guess you need to believe wholeheartedly that they have magical powers as surely on day seven, pizza is sounding mighty fine.
I’m not making this up. This is no April Fools joke. This is not an article from The Onion. This is a real book. Still skeptical? Check out this recipe:
Fills 8 tacos
1 tablespoon cooking oil
1/2 cup (70 g) chopped onion
1 jalapeño, sliced in rings
14 to 16 ounces (397 to 454 g) firm tofu, drained
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 cup (37 g) crumbled tortilla chips
1 cup (170 g) seeded, chopped tomato
1/4 cup (15 g) nutritional yeast
1/4 cup (60 ml) unsweetened plant milk or water
1/2 cup (48 g) vegan cheddar, optional
8 flour tortillas
For directions on how to prepare, see The Taco Cleanse website.
There are several other recipes on there, but you’ll need to order the book to get the full roundup of refried beans, guacamole, smashed potatoes, waffle tortillas, flour tortilla, corn tortillas and more. They insist that mac n’ cheese, tater tots and beer-battered veggies are all fine to add to your taco.
The taco scientists boldly state that after one week, your outlook on life will be better, and after 30 days the world will be your oyster, as long as it’s a vegan oyster. Well, that’s my own summary of what they are saying. And margaritas along the way? I’m in!
If you are looking for the perfect antidote to a posse of friends sipping their meals and bragging about feeling spiritually and physically lighter because of their liquid diets, this is how you, too, can participate. Exclaim that you have joined the detox/cleanse revolution and grab your margarita and your guacamole. Olé!